Faith Training

Introduction

Today, I’d like to talk about faith – specifically, faith in a guru (spiritual master) – as the essential quality that brings me peace and confidence as I navigate life toward the goal of liberation.

Growing up in a city where I was taught that logic was king, I used to think that everything should have a reason or at least a cause that can be explained intellectually. A miracle occurs when something unexpectedly good occurs and we cannot explain why. But miracles are rare (as many people think), so it is better to plan ahead of time for security and assurance. Because of this deep social conditioning, as well as my strong vāsanā-s (mental tendencies), my mind easily jumped to the future and took action in the hope of ensuring a “safe future” based on previous experiences. Simultaneously, endless anxiety, worries, and doubts arose in my mind, blinding me from what was truly happening in front of me. My life had been governed by fear-based programming and I was prone to restlessness.

Since meeting my guru in 2009, having faith in her has been my number one lesson on my spiritual journey. I was aware of a never-ending stream of thoughts and emotions stemming from my fear of the unknown future and my desire to avoid the painful past. I tried to replace them with mantra-s like “be here and now,” “trust God and trust life,” and “I am safe and all is well,” all while taking deep breaths. It worked well when my days were going fine. But when some uncertainties in life arose, I was immediately thrown into a bottomless pit of fear that prevented me from seeing the light in the darkness. I felt helpless in the face of overwhelming fear. I always prayed to my guru for having absolute faith in her and knowing that I was always safe and supported. My guru created some trying situations to train my faith, much like a mother bird pushes her nestlings against their will in order to teach them to flap their wings and fly.

My Story: Growing Faith through Crisis

For the past four years, my faith in my guru’s words had been put to the test. I wanted to join the Master’s program in Philosophy at a university in May 2018. I was on an employment visa at the time, doing volunteer work in India. If I was admitted to the university, I would have to return to my home country and obtain a new student visa before the start of the new academic year in July. There was not much time left to finish all the formalities. Furthermore, I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do or if I had the intellectual capacity to complete this intensive program, so I asked my guru at darśan for her consent and blessings. Despite her positive response, “Ok, if you want it,” I was not relieved. Restless energies began to surge inside of me. The next day, I was permitted to receive darśan once more. While I waited, my mind was racing with questions for my guru, and I was exhausted. In my guru’s motherly embrace, I fell into a serene presence of softness, comfort, and safety. “Amma, without your help, I cannot do it,” My heart said spontaneously, “please assist me in gaining more knowledge through the Philosophy study.” She whispered something into my ear and handed me a chocolate – her unique symbol of blessing – as soon as I finished my prayer. I became more confident in this new venture.

As I flew back to Hong Kong with my guru’s blessing, and the test of faith began. At the end of May, I submitted all required documents to the consulate for a visa application. Normally, the processing time ranges from two weeks to one month. I went to two visa interviews, submitted all the additional documents, and waited five months. My hope dwindled day by day, my doubt in my guru’s words grew like a virus eating away at my trust, and I was tense as the classes began. Finally, in November, my application was rejected. The long wait and failure hit me hard, and I could not figure out why it had all happened to me. It was all so strange!

I returned to India at the end of November. What hurt the most was not that I could not study, but that my guru’s words had not yet come true. When my faith in my guru wavered, I felt an indescribable sense of emptiness and confusion as a spiritual seeker. I was like a boat sailing across the ocean in complete darkness, or a lost child wandering through a wild forest full of beasts without her mother. I realized, as painful as it was, that I did not have much faith in my guru, whom I thought I trusted the most. Life became so disorienting to my weak, doubtful mind without the inner anchor of faith.

One day while doing housework, I kept recalling this visa incident and my heart sank. Then I had this internal dialogue with myself, “If I cannot trust Amma, whom can I trust? No one! In fact, I don’t even trust myself as I am still identified with the ego, body, and senses. If that’s the case, I make the decision to keep trusting Amma now because I still trust her more than anyone else in my life, even though her saṅkalpa (divine resolve) has not materialized yet for some reason.” After this resolution, I gained more peace. I did not think of the study anymore in the year that followed and I was dedicated to my voluntary work. My employment visa expired at the end of December 2019, so I had to leave India. Before I left, I asked my guru for her blessing on a new employment visa, but she said nothing.

I had no clue what was going to happen in my life. COVID hit China and Hong Kong at the beginning of 2020, and then the rest of the world. Due to some rule change, I was unable to apply for a new employment visa. I spoke with a friend in India, who suggested I should try to join the Master’s program again. Because I was stuck at home while the world was in lockdown, I had nothing to lose by giving it another try. Still, the failure in 2018 haunted me, so I kept praying to my guru to show me if studying was for me now. In July, I was accepted to the Master’s program.

My parents initially agreed to pay my tuition fee, but due to the adverse economic impact of the pandemic, they were forced to close down their business in August. It was a difficult time for them so I did not want to use their money on my studies. I began to question myself again, “Why is life so difficult for me whenever I want to pursue this study? Am I not supposed to continue my education?” I fervently prayed to my guru in my hour of despair, “Amma, if your blessing is with me, please grant me the full tuition fee.”

After a few days of waiting, I received no signs or good news. I decided to drop my studies and was about to notify the university office via email. When I turned on my computer, I saw a message about the release of scholarship results from a centralized government portal for international students, where I applied for my Master’s degree this time. “Let’s go check it before I write to the school,” I thought, despite the fact that I had not taken any assessment exams for the scholarship. To my great surprise, I received the full scholarship. I simply could not believe it! My guru heard my prayer, and the scholarship was a clear sign.

In September, I began taking online classes. Another fear crept in: unlike my classmates, I had never studied philosophy in undergraduate time, nor had I grown up in India. I was terrified of falling behind. To keep my mind at ease, I prayed to my guru always before attending classes, reading materials, writing assignments, giving presentations, and studying for and writing exams. Knowing my guru was with me gave me the strength I needed to maintain a steady, laser-beam focus while facing the challenges every day, just like a salmon swimming upstream. With this, I spontaneously turned my studies into a sādhana (spiritual practice) with discipline and devotion, rather than just an intellectual workout.

The learning curve for this study was so steep that it shook my self-confidence. There were many nights when I wondered if this was truly what I wanted to do, if it was the right path for me, or if I could finish it. “But Amma has given me the scholarship,” I reminded myself, “I can do it no matter how difficult it is because she is with me.” Turning off the voice of the inner demon, I carried on.

“Faith will move mountains. It gives us the strength to overcome any problems that come our way.”

After the first three semesters, I finally started to feel a bit comfortable with my studies, but then the next great challenge arrived. When the campus reopened in November 2021, I was asked to report to the university in India. This time, I received a student visa in less than a month and arrived on campus in December. I felt the Divine flow, even though my mind resisted flying back.

I knew the fourth and final semester would be the most difficult, but I had no idea how tough it would be until it arrived. I had to quickly transition from online to offline modes and meet all requirements if I wanted to graduate on time, which meant not only completing all internal assessments but also submitting a dissertation and publishing a journal paper in just five months. Journal paper publication is extremely stressful, and rejections are common. Even seasoned scholars and professors frequently take more than a year to publish a paper.

I had been giving my all to my studies, but I was beginning to feel that my efforts were insufficient. I was constantly under stress, and in April, I was on the verge of burnout. My concerned neighbor suggested that I wrote a letter to my guru and told her about all of my problems. In tears, I opened my heart and wrote about my difficulties and true feelings. It was extremely healing for me. Since then, with the last of my energy, I would pray to my guru before collapsing onto my bed every night, “Amma, I have done my best today. I hope you are pleased with my effort. All results are up to you. Thank you and good night.” This prayer helped me in finding some peace beneath my racing mind.

When I thought that graduating on time was simply impossible, I chose to focus all of my energy on every task in front of me and leave the rest to the Divine. During difficult times like this, I learnt to turn my actions into my devotion to the guru. Helplessness in a crisis forced me to surrender. It was a golden opportunity to drop my ego. Truly a blessing in disguise.

“Action dedicated to the Guru is not merely action. It is meditation.”

This form of meditation helped me achieve mental purity, making me open to the guru’s ever-flowing grace. Working day and night, I completed all of my internal assessments and the dissertation in May. Meanwhile, I discovered a potential journal and contacted its editor. Miraculously, he accepted my submission despite the fact that the deadline had just passed. In July, my journal paper was published. Deep down, I knew that the unusual kindness and quick acceptance were entirely due to my guru’s grace, which had brought my effort to fruition. I graduated in the fall of 2022 with a gold medal in recognition of my academic achievements, which I could never have dreamed of.

Throughout the duration of my studies, I was so blind to my guru’s protection and blessings when I worked hard alone in my room. But as I reflect now, my guru never abandoned me. Every time when I went for darśan during my fourth semester, my guru always greeted me with a beaming smile and wide-opening sparkling eyes that filled me with awe. Her gaze could pierce through the pain in my heart and shower me with tremendous love and power. She was well aware of my studies as well as all the ups and downs in my mind and heart. Through darśan, she gave me the strength to carry on. After my studies were completed, she did not fix such a powerful gaze on me.

This big lesson also teaches me the importance of following Divine timing, rather than my ego’s timing for my best benefit. Only now do I realize that starting my studies in 2020 instead of 2018 was ideal because 1) the scholarship that funded my studies began in 2020 only, 2) the journal that published my paper was recognized by India’s UGC in 2021, 3) I was able to spend all my time reading and learning at home with the full support of my parents on daily household chores, which take up a lot of time and energy, and 4) my mind was more focused on higher knowledge and less distracted by global fear and chaos during the pandemic, bringing more peace and mental concentration that support my spiritual growth, among many other higher reasons that my mind cannot comprehend. It turned out that the universe let me down in 2018, knowing that there was something much better for me. It stopped me from going somewhere less than what I deserved. I was so loved all along!

My Learning

Our faith in the guru will be tested over and over again on the path to liberation. Storms will rage at times. The ego’s trick of fear, worry, and doubt always attempts to shake our faith like a candle flame flickering in a strong wind. We have two options: succumb to the darkness or ignite the inner light of faith to illuminate the path ahead.

Trusting a Satguru who is Self-realized and established in Oneness and accepting his/her words as truth is like walking in unknown territory with complete faith that a bridge will appear with every step forward (have you seen the Leap of Faith scene in the movie “Indiana Jones”?), believing that we are always guided by an invisible power to get to the new place. It takes tremendous courage to have unwavering faith no matter what the external circumstances look like and trust that everything happens at the perfect time. However, if we can have some faith, even not complete faith, in the guru and perform actions devotedly as an offering, we will soon notice that we are always protected and that whatever happens is for our spiritual growth toward the ultimate freedom. This understanding brings so much peace of mind in the midst of life’s chaos and uncertainties.

As Tagore beautifully puts it, faith is like the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark. I pray that we all have this bird sitting on our shoulders during crises, singing so loudly that we hear fear no more.